I am an Architect by profession. It demands more. More hours, more focus, more travel and more trauma. The world famous Architect, Zaha Hadid said that “If you want an easy life, don’t be an Architect”. What a fascinating way to hide your addiction from the world. This is what my profession demands, and that is why I do it. A perfect cover.
In my previous jobs, I used to extend hours. I often reached home at around 10 pm. I was not asked to extend. But I thought it was necessary. Often, I was the last one to leave the office. Being a woman and being the last one in the office felt nice. I was working hard to make my mark. Something that each woman must do in “gender equal” world. All the hard work mostly paid well. This is one advantage of being a workaholic. It comes nicely wrapped in increments and promotions. The idea gets reinforced further that I am doing something good and thus, I am reaping these rewards.
I took it to the extreme in my last job. I didn’t just extend hours, I came home and worked again. I didn’t well, slept scarcely, and worked all the time. Even when I was tired and fatigued, I somehow managed to switch on my laptop. I felt like I have become a crucial part of the office. That the entire system will fail if I don’t work this hard. After an year of being sleep deprived, and being stressed all the time, I started having anxiety issues. A cherry on top above my depression. I was constantly worried about failing. That small appreciation from the boss is what kept me going. I didn’t want the money. I never did. I didn’t have time to spend it. I just wanted to perform. Consistently.
Of course I had to take breaks between jobs because of depression. And of course, because of burnouts. But once I realised that my job was keeping me constantly anxious. I left the job. Upskilled myself. Took another job. Sustained for 3 months. Had a depressive episode. Went underground for 3 months and then took another job. My current one. I decided that I will focus on my work life balance. I will leave office on time. After all, I am married now. I should be spending time with my spouse.
I tried my best to not extend. I failed often. I tried to look forward to spend quality time with my husband. You know, cooking together, watching TV, chit chatting etc. But while doing all of this, all I could think of was all the time I was wasting. I was never at peace doing all these things. I love my husband. But still, anything apart from working feels like a waste of time. “I should utilise this time” was all I could think of. As a solution, I started a side hustle. Projects didn’t come easy. Hey, I can take training sessions also. I can create my own course. Something, anything to keep me working. Earlier, I had one big box to take care of. But now, I have one big box, and many little boxes to stress about. My work life balance plan failed so beautifully. Or did it work perfectly according to my evil little mind. It got what it wanted.
We often depreciate addictions like alcohol, smoking and drugs. But when it comes to workaholism, the society glorifies it. I have had interviewees boasting that we should hire them because they are workaholic. I often think, do they even know what it is? Just like a small disappointment leads people to say “I am depressed now”. Not understanding its dark truth. Over the years, I have noticed a connection between workaholism and other addictions. They are more or less the same. As the magnitude of addiction increases, it has similar effects on the addict.
Stages of Addiction
Stage 1 – Everything is good. You meet new people, make new friends. You are surrounded by like minded people who understands you. It is not an addiction you say.
Stage 2 – The crowd filters. Now only some share the same level of need as you do. Alright, it is an addiction, but I can stop anytime I want. Besides, it is not hurting anyone else.
Stage 3 – Your close ones start noticing a difference in you. You appear distant. When you are not using, you are angry, anxious. You need it bad now. You feel like you don’t exist without it. No one knows you beside it. I should take measures to get out of it. But the more you try, the deeper you fall.
Stage 4 – You are helpless. Your closed ones have left. They can’t trust you anymore. They can’t help you anymore. No one can help you now. I am doomed.
Stage 5 – Game over. Physically, or emotionally. Don’t believe me? Haven’t you heard of people committing suicide due to work load? Or stress causing a heart attack?
But I will keep fighting. And to battle workaholism, I must keep down my weapons, and relax. Will I be able to do it, I don’t know. But let us try.
P.S. – I wrote this blog, because I wanted to utilise the time I had. What an irony!