My therapist tells me that everything cannot go according to your plan. And well, many times, it doesn’t. If I think about it rationally, she is absolutely right. Not everything can go according to my plan. But as my mind is much more irrational, I cannot come to terms with it. Before I took an online test for Mental Health, I didn’t even realize that my perfectionism is a problem. But now that I think about it, it is a major issue. If anything is off, it blows me off much more than it should. It has the capability to throw my life around. Even if it is something as small as missing office for a day. I just can’t get over it.
In my logical mind, if I have made a plan, and have considered all the risks, everything should work out. There should be no deviations. But life doesn’t work like that. Human body doesn’t work like that. And my mind, definitely, doesn’t work like that. I don’t know what the issue is. Is it planning too much, or it expecting too much off me. Even after considering all the risks, I am never able to consider the vulnerabilities of my mind. Probably because they are too unexpected. Everything is going as per plan, but suddenly, my perspective towards the plan changes. Suddenly, I am a failure. Suddenly, I am not doing enough. Suddenly, there are not enough hours in a day.
And when it hits, everything can be the same as yesterday, but I no longer fit in the plan. I feel like I am a puzzle piece from some other puzzle. Everything is in place except for me.
In the earlier years, I didn’t understand it. I felt like I am the same, and the things around me have changed somehow. And then I tried to change everything around me. My job, my friend circle, my habits, and what all and what not. It did solve the problem for the time being. With everything new around me, I had to be present to make sense of everything. It served as a perfect distraction. But as I grew up, I started to realize that nothing around me has changed. It is only my perspective towards them. And this made me wiser. Mind you, only wiser, not better. In fact, I think it is worse. I don’t have anyone else to blame but me now. I have the perfect life, perfect job, perfect husband, but I don’t fit in my own life. I feel detached. Like an outsider to my own surroundings. And the realization really hits you. A few days back, everything was perfect. And now, nothing is.
What to do at such a moment. Now all I can do is to wait for the storm to pass. And just like any huge storm, it leaves me in ruins. Ruins from which I must build myself again. I can’t even remember how many times I have done this. Only for the storm to come again. Sometimes, everything seems hopeless. What’s the point when I know what the final result is going to be. Why make the effort. Isn’t it better this way? Why get out of the bed? Why take a shower? Why go to work? Isn’t it all going to come crashing down on me? Then why build the walls so high?
But here is where my perfectionism come back. That tells me to work hard. Do everything perfectly. Give your 100 percent. Plan everything. And when you give your 100 percent, you lock your success. People expect more from you. You achieve something and you expect more from yourself. And thus, the vicious cycle continues.
The cycle of building yourself, and then losing everything. And then building everything again. But I am at a stage of life, where I cannot be a no show anymore. Not in my job and not at my home. I have to show face, even if it is the worst face I can show. Thankfully, I have a loving husband who tries his best to understand. He waits for the storm to pass and is ready to face anything. I must have done something right to deserve him. I am not sure if I do deserve him. But he is there to stay. This gives me courage to hold still, to take a break when I need. To lose myself and still not be judged.
If you are going through something similar, do let me know. And I hope you find someone, a parent, a friend, a partner, a kid who, even if they don’t understand you, stay by you and patiently wait for the storm to pass.